Reports from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange say traders are in tears after watching their clients lose billions after Disney’s announcement to go woke. Senior Market Analyst Joe Barron with Standard and Whitney Poor says there is no coming back for Disney. “It’s a different company now.”
Executives agreed to take a pay cut when the plan went into action to counter the losses of park revenue from patriotic Americans they figured would stop going. What they didn’t expect is for 9.1 million people to cancel Disney Plus or add Disney Kids to their parental controls list.
Disney Creative Director, Sandy Batt, says she’s not sure why everyone is so upset about making the modern characters reflect a modern world. “Pedophiles are people, too,” she said, “are we supposed to only cater to children?” Batt insists that Pedophiles, or Democrats, can live side by side with children, while Trump supporters hide their childhood abuse behind hatred for things they don’t understand.
Disney says it isn’t concerned about the reports, noting that they’re likely not real, given the source. Our sources disagree. They say Disney is in trouble. And the internet is seldom wrong.
God bless America.